Just breathe

A dear friend summed up exactly how I feel right now….

Fear of erasing Nikolai in the current moment. Fear of not remembering all the little nuances. Fear of having too much fun without him. Fear of allowing grief to overtake.

I need to talk endlessly and for you to also be okay with my silence.
I need an extra hug and also respect for my space.
If you ask how I’m doing, I need you to really want to know the answer. Or don’t ask me.
I need patience, forgiveness, kindness, support and your friendship.

Yesterday was a hard day. I just simply miss him💙

In my dreams

I have been patiently waiting and it finally happened. Last night I dreamt that I opened Nikolai’s door and he was standing in his room. He turned and smiled at me and said “hey mom.” And then I woke up.

That’s exactly what I needed. He’s doing ok😊💙

Everyone is struggling

I was telling a friend last week that after picking out our 15 year old child’s casket we ran to Kroger. Why? Because we knew people were coming over and I wanted to make sure we had things for people to drink – water, pop, juice, milk. As Joe and I walked through Kroger I kept thinking to myself what an ordinary day it was for everyone there but us. Our Nikolai died the day before. Our child. And, while I wanted to wear a sign that said, “my child just died please be gentle,” that just isn’t a thing. Nor should it have to be. What if we were all just a tad more patient with people? What if we were just a bit more kind or offered people help if they look like they are struggling?

Everyone we meet is struggling with something. It may not be as extreme as the loss of a child, but every single person has something on their mind, something on their heart that they are worried about or grieving.

Be kind always.

https://johnpavlovitz.com/2019/02/21/everyone-around-you-is-grieving-go-easy/?fbclid=IwAR1pysn9f69FxDKJSfdSqzmkFc8XphKtgA4U1iy0E1nJJ3YBgt8q9ENw5K4

My Fierce Tribe

So I did a thing tonight. CrossFit WOD and half hearted attempt at some lifting. Things that happened: 1) I didn’t cry; 2) I sweat completely through my tank top so I definitely moved; 3) I peopled; 4) I peopled with the best, fiercest crew that always keep me grounded and always have my back💙 And when I left, there was a dragonfly sitting on my car😊 It’s going to be okay.

Just the four of us

This week we spent time away…just the four of us. The four of us. I can’t explain all the emotions wrapped up in that small sentence.

We unplugged, we laughed, we smiled, we cried, we grieved. Trying desperately to figure out where we go from here.

Day after Kola’s funeral

Nikolai lived life large, the way we all should. Love hard, be kind always and enjoy every single breath.

Joe, Daley, Reilly, and myself cannot possibly ever thank any of you enough for the outpouring of love and support over these past few days. Please know you have filled our hearts❤️