A dear friend summed up exactly how I feel right now….
Fear of erasing Nikolai in the current moment. Fear of not
remembering all the little nuances. Fear of having too much fun without him.
Fear of allowing grief to overtake.
I need to talk endlessly and for you to also be okay with my
I need an extra hug and also respect for my space.
If you ask how I’m doing, I need you to really want
to know the answer. Or don’t ask me.
I need patience, forgiveness, kindness, support and
I have been patiently waiting and it finally happened. Last
night I dreamt that I opened Nikolai’s door and he was standing in his room. He
turned and smiled at me and said “hey mom.” And then I woke up.
I was telling a friend last week that after picking out our 15
year old child’s casket we ran to Kroger. Why? Because we knew people were
coming over and I wanted to make sure we had things for people to drink –
water, pop, juice, milk. As Joe and I walked through Kroger I kept thinking to
myself what an ordinary day it was for everyone there but us. Our Nikolai died
the day before. Our child. And, while I wanted to wear a sign that said, “my child
just died please be gentle,” that just isn’t a thing. Nor should it have
to be. What if we were all just a tad more patient with people? What if we were
just a bit more kind or offered people help if they look like they are
Everyone we meet is struggling
with something. It may not be as extreme as the loss of a child, but every
single person has something on their mind, something on their heart that they
are worried about or grieving.
So I did a thing tonight. CrossFit WOD and half hearted attempt at some lifting. Things that happened: 1) I didn’t cry; 2) I sweat completely through my tank top so I definitely moved; 3) I peopled; 4) I peopled with the best, fiercest crew that always keep me grounded and always have my back💙 And when I left, there was a dragonfly sitting on my car😊 It’s going to be okay.