This season of Christmas is harder than I ever could have imagined. I knew it would be hard; however, I thought we would trudge through every day as we normally do – some of them good, some of them bad. I could not have been more wrong.
I have cried a little every single day since Thanksgiving. Every single day. I am snapping at people, saying hurtful things. I am angry, lonely and sad. Just so sad. I beg for your forgiveness. I beg for a little grace right now. I feel like I’m shutting down just a little bit more each day and it’s harder to pull it back together.
Last week I spent an hour sitting at Kola’s grave sobbing. Wishing so much that he was here. Christmas has always been his very favorite. He loves decorating the tree and putting the house lights up. He loves the parties, the company, the gifts, the giving, the traditions, the fun and family.
I find myself needing a break, but not willing or able to take one. I feel overwhelmed by everything. I am forgetting to text people back for days. I can’t put together a simple menu for family Christmas. Christmas shopping – ugh! I’m usually 99.9% done by Black Friday. I am really nowhere near done and I honestly don’t even have the energy to put into it. Christmas songs make me weepy. I cried pulling out each of his ornaments with tags bearing his name from his grandma and grandpa.
My heart is broken and screaming in pain. And, it’s not just me. All four of us are feeling it. Whether my children want to talk about it or not, a mom knows when they are hurting.
Two weeks from today is Christmas Day. We are doing all of our normal traditions. Honestly, we can’t imagine doing anything different. I already bought our tickets to see Star Wars on Christmas Day. But there is definitely a part of us that is and will be missing and it will be hard.
I know many of you also struggle this time of year. All I have to say is, you are not alone. We must give ourselves some grace and not feel bad about any of our emotions: good, bad or the very ugly. Immense love and hugs to all of you.
Whether it is one month before or six, losing a child (or sibling) makes that first Christmas without them the hardest thing ever. Our first Christmas without Christopher I couldn’t listen to Christmas music. Or any music. When I was in the car I drove in silence with only my thoughts, which were always sad. Like your Nikolai, my Christopher LOVED Christmas and for that reason I put up my tree. More for him than for me. We couldn’t even make ourselves go to church on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day. When I wasn’t deeply sad I was numb.
But little by little the days got better. By the next Christmas I was ready to listen to the carols and decorate. The tears haven’t stopped. I don’t think they ever will. But know how much love is wrapped around you, Joe, Daley and Reilly by all those who care so deeply for you. May God’s peace comfort you all 💙
Thank you for this my friend💙 Thank you for sharing your own personal story with me. Wishing us both peace this Christmas.
This is the first year in 71 years that I am not going to put up a tree or decorate. I just don’t have the energy. We finished cleaning out mom and Jack’s house yesterday. We started almost immediately after the funeral and Thanksgiving. My brother has been here from Spokane and he wanted to help with the house and felt that he couldn’t leave for home until it was done so my goal has been to keep on …so that he can get back home to his family. He will leave for home this Saturday. Larry and I have not had any quiet time to just process this past 10 months since Jack’s death and my mom’s decline. Your comments have helped me to just be ok with where I am. Blessings on you, Joe and the boys this holiday season.