Tag: #griefislonely

I can’t let go

I still have Kola’s certificate of recognition

I still have Kola’s certificate of recognition for his freshman year playing in the Mott orchestra hanging on the side of our refrigerator. I can’t get myself to take it down. He was really proud of that certificate. He hated practicing the viola, but he really did like to play. He loved the class, all of his orchestra friends and even the concerts. Normally after concerts we go out for ice cream to celebrate. His last concert for Mott we didn’t. He was grounded and no matter what, I was sticking to the “no fun and joy” rule while you are grounded. I regret that decision to this very day.

I still have two voicemail messages from Nikolai on my phone. I used to make him call me every single day when he got home from school to let me know he was home, in the house and safe. Sometimes I couldn’t answer my phone at work and he would leave me a message. I treasure these voicemails. I don’t listen to them often and they are both less than 30 seconds long, but I won’t ever delete them. It’s his voice. In one of them he simply says, “hey mom, I’m home.” How ironic that is now. And sometimes, I pretend that it’s actually him calling me from Heaven – his way of letting me know he’s okay.

I cleaned his room a bit several months ago and regretted it the second I made his bed. This isn’t Nikolai. He was a total slob! After that I didn’t touch it. It’s hard to go in there. It still smells like him – for good, bad or otherwise. I mean, he was a boy after all. Right now it sits – unused and empty. The door remains closed with his name still taped up on the outside from when he wrote it out in marker and cut it out to hang up for decoration.

I don’t know what to do with any of this. What I do know is that I’m not doing anything with it right now.

After I cleaned up his room the first time, I literally felt instant despair. I cried for days. It was as if I had erased Nikolai’s existence from that space and I couldn’t bear what I had just done. How could I do that? So for now, I will do nothing with any of this. And that is simply okay. 

Don’t ignore me

PSA: If you see me somewhere, say hi

PSA: If you see me in the grocery store, at the gas station, movie theater, coffee shop or anywhere else for that matter, it’s okay to say hi. I promise I won’t fall apart and start crying all over you. Ask me how I am – I promise to tell you I’m amazing, it’s Christmas time after all! I promise I won’t talk about my deceased child because it makes YOU uncomfortable. Because by all means, let’s protect YOUR feelings. 

Let me be the bigger person here. 

Seriously, why do humans act like this? You don’t know what to say? That’s a BS excuse and you and I both know it. It’s simple – I will script it out for you:

You: Hi Kris – It’s really good to see you.
Me: Hey, oh my goodness, so good to see you as well. How is everything with you and your family?
You: Very good. Tommy is trying out for basketball this year. Susie is still doing dance. 
Me: That’s awesome. My boys are busy as well. Hope you have a wonderful holiday.
You: You as well – have a great day. 

It wasn’t that hard, was it? You don’t have to ask how I am (because we know you don’t really want me to answer). You do tell me about your family, which I absolutely LOVE to hear about. I will share with you what I want about my boys (how much time do you have because they are pretty cool guys). And we end it with a happy holidays! Easy peazy! We don’t have to draw it out – five minutes tops and we are on with our days. But don’t ignore me and definitely don’t look at me like a deer in headlights, barely say hi and run away scared. 

Get uncomfortable. I know it’s not a feeling we like. I don’t like it either. However, these encounters to me are nothing shy of rude and disrespectful. Is this the way you treat everyone you meet because if so sister, we have some serious kindness skills training that needs to happen. 

Grief is hard enough my friends. Don’t make it harder.

Let’s make a deal. Treat me with kindness and respect, as all  humans deserve to be treated. And, I promise, I won’t make you feel any more uncomfortable than you look.

No, I’m not really okay

People ask me everyday how I’m doing

People ask me everyday how I’m doing. But when I actually tell them how I’m doing I can tell they wished they hadn’t asked. So now I’m really awesome at “good, how are you.” Playing pretend or hide-and-seek with my real feelings though is exhausting and frustrating and sad.

I pretend for you because I know you don’t really want to know anymore. But inside I am screaming…screams of anger, screams of deep sorrow. And it’s not just you. I sometimes feel guilty for over sharing. You know, like this FB post😒 I know you are tired of all the feels. I know I am. It sucks.

Just know that I’m just as tired of feeling heartbroken as you are about hearing about it. And I’m tired of playing the two sides of good and awful in my head. I don’t have answers for you or for me. I experience joy almost every single day. I also experience sadness every single day, and anger, and loneliness and a myriad of other emotions. It’s like a dang split personality going on in this head of mine.

I have no idea what the intent of this post really is other than it’s been almost three months but still feels like yesterday sometimes💙