Embrace the chaos

Last night while I’m trying to decompress from my day, sitting in my pajamas, wrapped in a blanket, snuggling with a puppy, I realize that I forgot that Reilly had baseball practice. I forgot. Again.

If you know me even a little bit, you know that I am a planner extraordinaire. I have a paper planner, an electronic planner, I even have my paper planner for 2020 and three months of stuff already written in it. I am the scheduler. I am the one who makes sure our house runs smooth, that everyone gets fed and where they are supposed to be at all the right times. But not lately. In just one week I have forgotten two baseball practices and Reilly’s haircut Wednesday night – that I literally scheduled 3 hours prior to my forgetting all about it.

I feel like I am drowning. Falling into some dark abyss fumbling to climb out. I am just not myself. And, I HATE that! It makes me super angry. Why can I not get my shit together?

This morning I forgot to wear my MSU shirt for team spirit day at work. How is that possible, when I’m the one who sent out the reminder email to 1200 employees the day before? It’s exasperating. Really.

And don’t even get me started on what an absent friend I’ve been lately. I feel as if sometimes I’m so self-absorbed with my own life that I’m not very present for the rest of the world. Just in the span of a few weeks I feel like I’ve missed reaching out when I should have. Friends needed me and I wasn’t there.

And I truly am sorry for that. Most of you will say, that’s okay, you have a lot on your plate right now. Yep, I do. I am trying to be a present wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend, advocate for suicide prevention, an employee at a full-time job, athlete… all while trying to take care of my own soul, follow dreams and grieve the loss of my child.

Somedays I feel like I handle it all like a champ and other days I want to curl up in a fetal position and cry the entire day. But am I really that different from any of you? I think we all have days exactly like this. I know you are struggling. I know you have a million things on your plate.

All of you have been there for me absolutely any second of the day that I need someone. I’m here to tell you I’m here for you as well – I just may not ask you. I definitely suck at communication with others lately. I keep to a pretty tight tribe right now, but this in no way, shape, or form means that I don’t care about you or don’t want to know what’s going on in your life. If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.

I know that I should give myself some grace. But when my behavior is so incredibly out of whack compared to who I was 5 months ago it’s alarming, and so incredibly frustrating! Right now I’m looking at a million to-do lists and sticky notes trying desperately to remember all the things and I already know I’m missing something… or missing someone that needs me.

I need to grab onto my inner Rachel Hollis – “Embracing chaos might be the journey we take to finding peace.” Please God help me to embrace the chaos that is me right now and find some peace in it.