Faith

Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” 

In times of deep sorrow and pain we often ask “why”. Why did something happen? We even blame God – why would God allow that to happen?

Strangely enough, I never asked that question after Nikolai died.

Let me back up and start with this… I believe in God, but I don’t go to church every Sunday. I don’t preach to other people or invite them to my church. I have never read the Bible all the way through or studied it. I simply believe. I believe in a higher power. I believe in heaven. I believe that when I pray someone is listening. I believe that there is a divine intervention that guides us and leads us. I believe in God.

So when Nikolai died, I never asked why. I never blamed God. I never even got angry with God. And honestly, deep down I knew why Nikolai took his own life – he was in such a dark place and to him, there was no other way out to end his pain. This is when I grabbed on to the only thing I could, my faith. Faith that Nikolai knew he would be greeted in heaven by Jesus and his pain would be no more. He would experience only joy from that point forward. Faith that God would carry me and my family through this grief. Because after all, God is closest to you in times of great pain. It says so right in the Bible, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.”

Today marks five months since my son died by suicide. Five months of our family living life without him here physically, clinging on to the memories we have. Five months of getting out of bed and trying to figure out a new normal – a new normal I never wanted. Five months of growing closer to God in a way I never imagined. I truly believe that God knew what my future held and he was preparing me for it, getting my heart set for what was to come. He is closer than ever to my broken heart and helps carry me through some very dark days. He has put people in my path at the exact times I’ve needed them. He has surrounded me with a tribe so huge I cannot even fathom some days how loved me and my family are. He has shown us so many signs that Nikolai surrounds us every single day.

And, God “saves those crushed in spirit.”

Nikolai was always a helper. He was the one child who always did things when you told him to. He was the kid that would run out to the garage every day when I got home from work to see if I needed help carrying anything in. He was always there for his friends. I think God knew I needed a purpose. He also knew the kind of kid Nikolai was. It makes perfect sense to me to use Nikolai’s life – his love and his pain – to help others. Suicide and mental health are two things I would never in a million years thought would be my crusade, but here we are. And I hope to make a difference, a real impact on someone, and to treat people the way Nikolai did, and the way God intends us to. I believe that God is working on saving my crushed spirit. One day at a time.