This season of Christmas is harder than I ever could have imagined. I knew it would be hard; however, I thought we would trudge through every day as we normally do – some of them good, some of them bad. I could not have been more wrong.
I have cried a little every single day since Thanksgiving. Every single day. I am snapping at people, saying hurtful things. I am angry, lonely and sad. Just so sad. I beg for your forgiveness. I beg for a little grace right now. I feel like I’m shutting down just a little bit more each day and it’s harder to pull it back together.
Last week I spent an hour sitting at Kola’s grave sobbing. Wishing so much that he was here. Christmas has always been his very favorite. He loves decorating the tree and putting the house lights up. He loves the parties, the company, the gifts, the giving, the traditions, the fun and family.
I find myself needing a break, but not willing or able to take one. I feel overwhelmed by everything. I am forgetting to text people back for days. I can’t put together a simple menu for family Christmas. Christmas shopping – ugh! I’m usually 99.9% done by Black Friday. I am really nowhere near done and I honestly don’t even have the energy to put into it. Christmas songs make me weepy. I cried pulling out each of his ornaments with tags bearing his name from his grandma and grandpa.
My heart is broken and screaming in pain. And, it’s not just me. All four of us are feeling it. Whether my children want to talk about it or not, a mom knows when they are hurting.
Two weeks from today is Christmas Day. We are doing all of our normal traditions. Honestly, we can’t imagine doing anything different. I already bought our tickets to see Star Wars on Christmas Day. But there is definitely a part of us that is and will be missing and it will be hard.
I know many of you also struggle this time of year. All I have to say is, you are not alone. We must give ourselves some grace and not feel bad about any of our emotions: good, bad or the very ugly. Immense love and hugs to all of you.