I’m so sorry

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you Nikolai

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you Nikolai. I wish with all my being that I could go back and have a do-over. There are so many things I would have done differently with you. Signs I missed. Conversations we should have had. 

I realize now that your pain ran deep, down to your inner core and I missed that. I know that now. It’s too late for you, but I’m hoping it’s not too late for me to make a difference in someone else’s life. 

Is this God’s plan for me? I don’t really know. I keep asking why? Why you, why my family? You were only 15, barely 15. 

Over the last few years I have tried to figure out what my purpose is – what bigger thing in life am I supposed to do? What is God calling me to do? Never in a million years would I have thought that the death of my child would be the catalyst to that purpose. 

People keep telling me I can and am making a difference. Some call it advocacy. I call it pouring all of my raw emotions into something that has broken my heart. I hate change. Everyone who knows me knows that I like things the way they are and do not view change as my friend. But all I want to do right now is make changes, lots of them. Because the stigma of suicide, mental health and let’s face it, even grieving, are things people just don’t talk about. And, for the love of all that is holy – why? 

These things are real. Mental health is an actual real thing and if we don’t make some changes, if we don’t start having some real conversations providing resources and help for people, then that other thing we don’t want to talk about (suicide), that becomes a bigger more real issue. People need to feel supported. They need to feel listened to. People need kindness not judgement. Why is this so difficult for humans to understand and do? 

And grief. 
“It’s time to move on.” “You need to move through this.” “Why is she not over this yet?” 

What on actual earth? Seriously – these are things people say ALL.THE.TIME. 

Stop it. 

All people grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And there sure as heck isn’t a timestamp on that grief. 

I wish I could have saved you Nikolai. My heart is broken and will never be whole again. But I will do my best to try and save others and make you proud. 

My Fierce Tribe

So I did a thing tonight. CrossFit WOD and half hearted attempt at some lifting. Things that happened: 1) I didn’t cry; 2) I sweat completely through my tank top so I definitely moved; 3) I peopled; 4) I peopled with the best, fiercest crew that always keep me grounded and always have my back💙 And when I left, there was a dragonfly sitting on my car😊 It’s going to be okay.