For you Nikolaiš
My dragonfly for Nikolai
Dragonfly
Tag: #onadragonflyswings
Learning to find peace
In a world full of doing, doing, doing
In a world full of doing, doing, doing, itās important to take a moment and just breathe. Or so people tell me. Sometimes relaxing and taking a minute brings me pain and heartache so deep I can barely breathe. In those moments of unbusy, I find myself thinking all the thoughts, the what-ifās and overwhelming sadness takes over. But not always. More times than not I now find myself laughing to myself or smiling thinking of some ridiculous thing Nikolai would do or how much he would find joy in something. Those are the moments I need to grab onto and embrace. Sadness is a part of me now, but by focusing on the beauty in the moment I am learning to find peace. It is good for my soulš¦
My heart is heavy
Today I registered one child for high school
Today I registered one child for high school, not two. My heart is a little heavy todayš
Our pets grieve too
Shout out to this beautiful girl
Shout out to this beautiful girlš I think we as humans forget that our pets grieve too. Ivy lost her best pal, Mollie, last June and this June she lost one of her favorite humans. For two weeks after Beans left us, this girl sat in this spot on the deck. I think partially to protect her family, but mostly looking for the one who took her for a walk almost every single day. When she wasnāt at this post, she was snuggled up next to one of us, keeping us close, reminding us that she too, is very sad. ā¤ļøš¾
Running is good for the soul
Beans ran cross country at Hess Hathaway
Beans ran cross country at Hess for two years. The last time I ran it was with him this past winter. It was a gorgeous day…slight chill but no wind, sun was shining and fresh snow had fallen. We ran 2.5 miles and laughed a lot because we kept slipping. I missed him this morning but Iām pretty sure he ran with me the whole wayš¦š
I am emotionally exhausted
Today we picked out Kola’s grave marker
Today we picked out Kolaās grave marker. It was an emotionally exhausting experience. By the time we got to the what to put on it part, I couldnāt think anymore and I just wanted out of that place.
This is my day to day. Iām fine one minute and the next I literally want to break down into screams of enough is enough. I am tired. So tired.
I recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful, and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice, we fear we would become truly unreachable and so we remain āstrongā for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings, we would be impossible to be with.
Today, I have been impossible to be with. Thank God Joe is the only one that has had to be with me todayā¤ļø
25th wedding anniversary
Its hard being strong every single day
These last four days have been amazing for Joe and I. Itās hard being strong every single day for your two remaining children. Itās hard to keep it together in front of friends and coworkers. Together though, just the two of us, we could let our guard down and be real. We could cry and thatās okay. We could laugh, and that was okay too. We remembered times we brought the boys here and the memories we created. The fun we had as a family. A family of five. Things are just different now. But our family of four has a million more memories to make and a ton of fun to be had. We lit a candle at St. Anneās for Nikolai this weekend…in celebration of all those things and in the memory of one heck of an amazing kid. š
Just breathe
A dear friend summed up exactly how I feel right now
A dear friend summed up exactly how I feel right now….
Fear of erasing Nikolai in the current moment. Fear of not remembering all the little nuances. Fear of having too much fun without him. Fear of allowing grief to overtake.
I need to talk endlessly and for you to also be okay with my
silence.
I need an extra hug and also respect for my space.
If you ask how Iām doing, I need you to really want
to know the answer. Or donāt ask me.
I need patience, forgiveness, kindness, support and
your friendship.
Yesterday was a hard day. I just simply miss himš
In my dreams
I have been patiently waiting
I have been patiently waiting and it finally happened. Last night I dreamt that I opened Nikolaiās door and he was standing in his room. He turned and smiled at me and said āhey mom.ā And then I woke up.
Thatās exactly what I needed. Heās doing okšš
Everyone is struggling
I was telling a friend last week that after picking out our 15 year old child’s casket we ran to Kroger. Why? Because we knew people were coming over and I wanted to make sure we had things for people to drink – water, pop, juice, milk. As Joe and I walked through Kroger I kept thinking to myself what an ordinary day it was for everyone there but us. Our Nikolai died the day before. Our child. And, while I wanted to wear a sign that said, “my child just died please be gentle,” that just isn’t a thing. Nor should it have to be. What if we were all just a tad more patient with people? What if we were just a bit more kind or offered people help if they look like they are struggling?
Everyone we meet is struggling with something. It may not be as extreme as the loss of a child, but every single person has something on their mind, something on their heart that they are worried about or grieving.
Be kind always.