Blog – Page 6 – On A Dragonfly's Wings

The need to stay busy

Downtime is sometimes too quiet for my mind

Truth.
So much truth here.
Downtime is sometimes too quiet for my mind. It makes me think all the things and I fight it so hard. If I’m busy there isn’t time to think.

This morning I got up, went to CrossFit and kicked my own ass. Super pumped and full of all those happy endorphins. But on the drive home I spontaneously combusted into tears.

This is my life. I try to ignore all the feelings but my body gives me the big 🖕 and makes it happen anyway.

It’s random and crazy and this is why no minute of my life is the same mood. It is what it is for now. Things are just different. I am just different. 💙

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day and this year the focus is on suicide prevention.

Did you know that every 40 seconds someone takes their own life? There’s no need to suffer in silence – share how you’re feeling, ask someone how they are doing and LISTEN for the answer. Ask for help when you need it and know that we are all in this together.

If you need help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK (8255) or TEXT 652729: OK2SAY

Kindness

Nikolai liked people

Nikolai liked people. I remember when he was just a toddler and would walk up to any other mom or child in the park or at the library just to say hi. Used to scare me a bit that he would just go to anyone, even strangers. But he didn’t see people as strangers. He was that kid that just wanted to be friends with you. He was kind and loving.

What a different world it might be if we all saw people not as strangers and just reached out to simply say hi💙

Celebrating National Son’s Day

Yesterday was National Son’s Day

Apparently yesterday was National Son’s Day💙 I have been blessed with three of the most amazing young men that I get to call my boys. Each one of them so different and extraordinary in their own way. And how appropriate that yesterday we walked in memory of one of my sons💙 I am so incredibly proud of Daley and Reilly for embracing the day for Beans’. They had an amazing time, surrounded by so many people that love them. Nikolai is proud and he loves you both so much, as we all do❤️ Happy son’s day you crazy three, I could not love you more😊

Out of Darkness Walk

My heart feels like it’s going to explode from so much love today

My heart feels like it’s going to explode from so much love today❤️ Beans’ Brigade raised over $4,000 for the AFSP and suicide prevention. We were the 8th largest fundraising team with definitely the most walkers😊

You people are our tribe and we love all of you so much. Thank you for all the support. I only shed a few tears today and honestly, they were mostly joy-filled💙

Deb and Jay, you outdid yourselves with our specially designed shirts. I can’t thank you enough😘

A huge thank you to all of you who donated money to our team. You ARE making a difference❤️

Definitely one of our family’s best days since June 20😊

Therapy

Therapy. I’ve been asked more times than I can count if I have started therapy. No. No I have not. Do I need it? Yes.

Here’s the thing though – all those emotions surrounding the what-if scenarios I play in my head every single day – therapy will bring those out. Good, that’s what it’s supposed to do. It helps you work through that. I get it. Really, I do. But right now, keeping those what-if scenarios locked up in my head and not speaking them out loud is one of the things I do to keep my sanity. What will happen if I let that shit out of the locked compartment in my head? I fear it will destroy me. And maybe it will at first and then get better. Sort of like when you cut your finger and you put a band aid on it. It hurts super bad at first and then eventually it heals. I’m sure this is how therapy works too.

But right now, getting out of bed and being a functioning person is more important than talking to someone about my feelings and turning into the pile of hot mess mush I feel I will turn into.

Trust me. I hear you. I really do. And eventually I will have to face some of my demons in order to really begin some form of healing. But for now, it is what it is.

This race was joyful

What an amazing joy-filled morning

What an amazing, joy filled morning💕 I haven’t run competitively since Beans died. My runs are for me and me alone.

But as I left the gate and started on my journey I was overcome by a sense of peace and I literally enjoyed every single step. I took it all in. Bagpiper at mile 1, guitar players at mile 2, random people out fist bumping me on the sidelines, the lady with the sign that read “tap this for turbo boost” (which I totally tapped) and so many others. I enjoyed every step. I pushed through every hill. And I PR’d my 6.2 mile time finishing in 65:33🙌

And waiting to high-five me coming into the Finish line was my dear friend Tracy 💕 She overcame her own doubts today and finished her race strong and I’m so proud of her.

And the love of my life waiting in the wings for me. Damnit I love how much you support me Joe 😘 You are my rock❤️ I am fierce. I am strong. And one day at a time, with the help of my tribe, Joy-filled moments like these will begin to outweigh some of the heartache😊💙

Project #2 – Books

Project #2 for those who are interested

Project #2 for those who are interested.

Our kids are Houghton kids. The principal there gave us the most lovely card at Kola’s funeral. In it she wrote that she was purchasing three books for her social worker to utilize when identifying young students that may be struggling.

I adore this so much. 💙
If we can identify and help kids at onset, maybe, just maybe we can turn things around for them. Because of Ms. Grimes and this gesture of helping others, we have now teamed up with the school district to purchase these same books for all of our elementary school social workers. In addition, Ms. Grimes is also looking into other books to help kids with social and emotional self-care. We are proud to work with her and the school district social workers to assist in getting the additional books needed in the near future.

We are so blessed to have the staff and administrators we do in Waterford. They truly care about our kids and want the very best for them. Thank you for allowing our family to be a part of this😊

No, I’m not really okay

People ask me everyday how I’m doing

People ask me everyday how I’m doing. But when I actually tell them how I’m doing I can tell they wished they hadn’t asked. So now I’m really awesome at “good, how are you.” Playing pretend or hide-and-seek with my real feelings though is exhausting and frustrating and sad.

I pretend for you because I know you don’t really want to know anymore. But inside I am screaming…screams of anger, screams of deep sorrow. And it’s not just you. I sometimes feel guilty for over sharing. You know, like this FB post😒 I know you are tired of all the feels. I know I am. It sucks.

Just know that I’m just as tired of feeling heartbroken as you are about hearing about it. And I’m tired of playing the two sides of good and awful in my head. I don’t have answers for you or for me. I experience joy almost every single day. I also experience sadness every single day, and anger, and loneliness and a myriad of other emotions. It’s like a dang split personality going on in this head of mine.

I have no idea what the intent of this post really is other than it’s been almost three months but still feels like yesterday sometimes💙

Suicide Prevention Training

Many of you have expressed an interest in my projects

Many of you have expressed an interest in my projects. Here is one of them. I partnered with the Waterford Coalition for Youth to bring much needed suicide prevention training to our local communities. The need is so great. Maybe, just maybe, if more of us knew what to look for and what to say or do for those that are hurting, we could make a difference.

Space is extremely limited so if you are thinking you would like to participate in the training, please register early.

I would like to give a special shout out to my very dear friend Heather Halls. Without her, this training may have been much more difficult to put in place. She has worked hard to put this together and I absolutely cannot thank her enough. You are an amazing friend – thank you so much for helping me make this event come to fruition. I love you💙