25th wedding anniversary

Its hard being strong every single day

These last four days have been amazing for Joe and I. It’s hard being strong every single day for your two remaining children. It’s hard to keep it together in front of friends and coworkers. Together though, just the two of us, we could let our guard down and be real. We could cry and that’s okay. We could laugh, and that was okay too. We remembered times we brought the boys here and the memories we created. The fun we had as a family. A family of five. Things are just different now. But our family of four has a million more memories to make and a ton of fun to be had. We lit a candle at St. Anne’s for Nikolai this weekend…in celebration of all those things and in the memory of one heck of an amazing kid. 💙

Just breathe

A dear friend summed up exactly how I feel right now

A dear friend summed up exactly how I feel right now….

Fear of erasing Nikolai in the current moment. Fear of not remembering all the little nuances. Fear of having too much fun without him. Fear of allowing grief to overtake.

I need to talk endlessly and for you to also be okay with my silence.
I need an extra hug and also respect for my space.
If you ask how I’m doing, I need you to really want to know the answer. Or don’t ask me.
I need patience, forgiveness, kindness, support and your friendship.

Yesterday was a hard day. I just simply miss him💙

Everyone is struggling

I was telling a friend last week that after picking out our 15 year old child’s casket we ran to Kroger. Why? Because we knew people were coming over and I wanted to make sure we had things for people to drink – water, pop, juice, milk. As Joe and I walked through Kroger I kept thinking to myself what an ordinary day it was for everyone there but us. Our Nikolai died the day before. Our child. And, while I wanted to wear a sign that said, “my child just died please be gentle,” that just isn’t a thing. Nor should it have to be. What if we were all just a tad more patient with people? What if we were just a bit more kind or offered people help if they look like they are struggling?

Everyone we meet is struggling with something. It may not be as extreme as the loss of a child, but every single person has something on their mind, something on their heart that they are worried about or grieving.

Be kind always.

My Fierce Tribe

So I did a thing tonight. CrossFit WOD and half hearted attempt at some lifting. Things that happened: 1) I didn’t cry; 2) I sweat completely through my tank top so I definitely moved; 3) I peopled; 4) I peopled with the best, fiercest crew that always keep me grounded and always have my back💙 And when I left, there was a dragonfly sitting on my car😊 It’s going to be okay.

Day after Kola’s funeral

Nikolai lived life large

Nikolai lived life large, the way we all should. Love hard, be kind always and enjoy every single breath.

Joe, Daley, Reilly, and myself cannot possibly ever thank any of you enough for the outpouring of love and support over these past few days. Please know you have filled our hearts❤️