Beans ran cross country at Hess Hathaway
Beans ran cross country at Hess for two years. The last time I ran it was with him this past winter. It was a gorgeous day…slight chill but no wind, sun was shining and fresh snow had fallen. We ran 2.5 miles and laughed a lot because we kept slipping. I missed him this morning but I’m pretty sure he ran with me the whole way🦋💙
Today we picked out Kola’s grave marker
Today we picked out Kola’s grave marker. It was an emotionally exhausting experience. By the time we got to the what to put on it part, I couldn’t think anymore and I just wanted out of that place.
This is my day to day. I’m fine one minute and the next I literally want to break down into screams of enough is enough. I am tired. So tired.
I recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful, and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice, we fear we would become truly unreachable and so we remain “strong” for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings, we would be impossible to be with.
Today, I have been impossible to be with. Thank God Joe is the only one that has had to be with me today❤️
Its hard being strong every single day
These last four days have been amazing for Joe and I. It’s hard being strong every single day for your two remaining children. It’s hard to keep it together in front of friends and coworkers. Together though, just the two of us, we could let our guard down and be real. We could cry and that’s okay. We could laugh, and that was okay too. We remembered times we brought the boys here and the memories we created. The fun we had as a family. A family of five. Things are just different now. But our family of four has a million more memories to make and a ton of fun to be had. We lit a candle at St. Anne’s for Nikolai this weekend…in celebration of all those things and in the memory of one heck of an amazing kid. 💙
A dear friend summed up exactly how I feel right now
A dear friend summed up exactly how I feel right now….
Fear of erasing Nikolai in the current moment. Fear of not remembering all the little nuances. Fear of having too much fun without him. Fear of allowing grief to overtake.
I need to talk endlessly and for you to also be okay with my
silence.
I need an extra hug and also respect for my space.
If you ask how I’m doing, I need you to really want
to know the answer. Or don’t ask me.
I need patience, forgiveness, kindness, support and
your friendship.
Yesterday was a hard day. I just simply miss him💙
I have been patiently waiting
I have been patiently waiting and it finally happened. Last night I dreamt that I opened Nikolai’s door and he was standing in his room. He turned and smiled at me and said “hey mom.” And then I woke up.
That’s exactly what I needed. He’s doing ok😊💙
I was telling a friend last week that after picking out our 15 year old child’s casket we ran to Kroger. Why? Because we knew people were coming over and I wanted to make sure we had things for people to drink – water, pop, juice, milk. As Joe and I walked through Kroger I kept thinking to myself what an ordinary day it was for everyone there but us. Our Nikolai died the day before. Our child. And, while I wanted to wear a sign that said, “my child just died please be gentle,” that just isn’t a thing. Nor should it have to be. What if we were all just a tad more patient with people? What if we were just a bit more kind or offered people help if they look like they are struggling?
Everyone we meet is struggling with something. It may not be as extreme as the loss of a child, but every single person has something on their mind, something on their heart that they are worried about or grieving.
Be kind always.
So I did a thing tonight. CrossFit WOD and half hearted attempt at some lifting. Things that happened: 1) I didn’t cry; 2) I sweat completely through my tank top so I definitely moved; 3) I peopled; 4) I peopled with the best, fiercest crew that always keep me grounded and always have my back💙 And when I left, there was a dragonfly sitting on my car😊 It’s going to be okay.
This week we spent time away…just the four of us.
This week we spent time away…just the four of us. The four of us. I can’t explain all the emotions wrapped up in that small sentence.
We unplugged, we laughed, we smiled, we cried, we grieved. Trying desperately to figure out where we go from here.
Nikolai lived life large
Nikolai lived life large, the way we all should. Love hard, be kind always and enjoy every single breath.
Joe, Daley, Reilly, and myself cannot possibly ever thank any of you enough for the outpouring of love and support over these past few days. Please know you have filled our hearts❤️
