Kris – Page 5 – On A Dragonfly's Wings

Faith

Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

In times of deep sorrow and pain we often ask “why”. Why did something happen? We even blame God – why would God allow that to happen?

Strangely enough, I never asked that question after Nikolai died.

Let me back up and start with this… I believe in God, but I don’t go to church every Sunday. I don’t preach to other people or invite them to my church. I have never read the Bible all the way through or studied it. I simply believe. I believe in a higher power. I believe in heaven. I believe that when I pray someone is listening. I believe that there is a divine intervention that guides us and leads us. I believe in God.

So when Nikolai died, I never asked why. I never blamed God. I never even got angry with God. And honestly, deep down I knew why Nikolai took his own life – he was in such a dark place and to him, there was no other way out to end his pain. This is when I grabbed on to the only thing I could, my faith. Faith that Nikolai knew he would be greeted in heaven by Jesus and his pain would be no more. He would experience only joy from that point forward. Faith that God would carry me and my family through this grief. Because after all, God is closest to you in times of great pain. It says so right in the Bible, “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted.”

Today marks five months since my son died by suicide. Five months of our family living life without him here physically, clinging on to the memories we have. Five months of getting out of bed and trying to figure out a new normal – a new normal I never wanted. Five months of growing closer to God in a way I never imagined. I truly believe that God knew what my future held and he was preparing me for it, getting my heart set for what was to come. He is closer than ever to my broken heart and helps carry me through some very dark days. He has put people in my path at the exact times I’ve needed them. He has surrounded me with a tribe so huge I cannot even fathom some days how loved me and my family are. He has shown us so many signs that Nikolai surrounds us every single day.

And, God “saves those crushed in spirit.”

Nikolai was always a helper. He was the one child who always did things when you told him to. He was the kid that would run out to the garage every day when I got home from work to see if I needed help carrying anything in. He was always there for his friends. I think God knew I needed a purpose. He also knew the kind of kid Nikolai was. It makes perfect sense to me to use Nikolai’s life – his love and his pain – to help others. Suicide and mental health are two things I would never in a million years thought would be my crusade, but here we are. And I hope to make a difference, a real impact on someone, and to treat people the way Nikolai did, and the way God intends us to. I believe that God is working on saving my crushed spirit. One day at a time.

Embrace the chaos

Last night while I’m trying to decompress from my day, sitting in my pajamas, wrapped in a blanket, snuggling with a puppy, I realize that I forgot that Reilly had baseball practice. I forgot. Again.

If you know me even a little bit, you know that I am a planner extraordinaire. I have a paper planner, an electronic planner, I even have my paper planner for 2020 and three months of stuff already written in it. I am the scheduler. I am the one who makes sure our house runs smooth, that everyone gets fed and where they are supposed to be at all the right times. But not lately. In just one week I have forgotten two baseball practices and Reilly’s haircut Wednesday night – that I literally scheduled 3 hours prior to my forgetting all about it.

I feel like I am drowning. Falling into some dark abyss fumbling to climb out. I am just not myself. And, I HATE that! It makes me super angry. Why can I not get my shit together?

This morning I forgot to wear my MSU shirt for team spirit day at work. How is that possible, when I’m the one who sent out the reminder email to 1200 employees the day before? It’s exasperating. Really.

And don’t even get me started on what an absent friend I’ve been lately. I feel as if sometimes I’m so self-absorbed with my own life that I’m not very present for the rest of the world. Just in the span of a few weeks I feel like I’ve missed reaching out when I should have. Friends needed me and I wasn’t there.

And I truly am sorry for that. Most of you will say, that’s okay, you have a lot on your plate right now. Yep, I do. I am trying to be a present wife, mom, daughter, sister and friend, advocate for suicide prevention, an employee at a full-time job, athlete… all while trying to take care of my own soul, follow dreams and grieve the loss of my child.

Somedays I feel like I handle it all like a champ and other days I want to curl up in a fetal position and cry the entire day. But am I really that different from any of you? I think we all have days exactly like this. I know you are struggling. I know you have a million things on your plate.

All of you have been there for me absolutely any second of the day that I need someone. I’m here to tell you I’m here for you as well – I just may not ask you. I definitely suck at communication with others lately. I keep to a pretty tight tribe right now, but this in no way, shape, or form means that I don’t care about you or don’t want to know what’s going on in your life. If it’s important to you, it’s important to me.

I know that I should give myself some grace. But when my behavior is so incredibly out of whack compared to who I was 5 months ago it’s alarming, and so incredibly frustrating! Right now I’m looking at a million to-do lists and sticky notes trying desperately to remember all the things and I already know I’m missing something… or missing someone that needs me.

I need to grab onto my inner Rachel Hollis – “Embracing chaos might be the journey we take to finding peace.” Please God help me to embrace the chaos that is me right now and find some peace in it.

We are conquering the world, one minute at a time.

Today I had an exceptional day

Today I had an exceptional day. I had coffee with two amazing women who are helping me fight the good fight, building awareness for mental health and suicide. We are doing exceptional things and pushing things to a new level of advocacy and I am so excited about all of it. Today, I feel like I am conquering the world in your honor.

Nikolai, I want you to know that I am finding more of my days to be like this. And what makes it better is knowing that this is what I am supposed to do – this is God’s calling for me. These women were put in my life at the exact time that I needed them. At the exact time WE needed them. To help us get the hard work done. The important work.

I do all of this in your honor and to impact the lives of people I may never know.

Some days though the heartache of losing you hurts so deeply. And some days I feel as if I’m not doing near enough, fast enough. I get tired and sad. Some days I have to take a step back and quiet myself.

Many days I experience both in the same day, like last Thursday. We educated so many, yet it was so very, very hard. This morning was fantastic. Tonight is very reflective. I suspect this is how it will go for a bit.

But we have a humongous tribe of people advocating for us and with us and the impact we are and will make I pray is enough to bring great change. I take heart in knowing we are making a difference.

I love you Nikolai. I miss you.

I am hopeful

I recently read an article that asked readers, “if you could share one word that describes your grief journey today, what would it be?” Many posted words like scared, broken, foggy, lost, fragile and lonely. And, not that I don’t feel any of those words, but none of them seemed to fit an overall description of how I feel on this journey. Until today.

Hopeful. My word to describe my grief journey is hopeful.

This may seem like an inappropriate or strange word to describe my grief; however, for my journey it seems a perfect fit.

I am hopeful that Nikolai has found his “happy” again – that he is running around in Heaven meeting and hugging all the people. I am hopeful that he has finally met his grandma and grandpa Miller who he never knew. I am hopeful that he has been reunited with my grams and gramps, who loved him and his energy so very much. I am hopeful that one day my heart will not feel so completely broken and that I can get through a whole day without breaking down. I am hopeful that someday I will see him again as we both enjoy the beauty of Heaven.

But there is more to be hopeful for…
I am hopeful that we, as a society, can begin to view mental health as something as real as physical health.

I am hopeful that we can educate and train all humans to see the signs and symptoms of friends in need, friends that are struggling, and pray that we will reach out.

I am hopeful that we will start to have real conversations surrounding mental health and suicide.

I am hopeful that the suicide rate will go down.

I am hopeful that the stigma surrounding suicide will decrease and our empathy and awareness will increase.

I am hopeful that we can begin to treat everyone with more kindness than judgement and hate.

I am hopeful that we will be gentle around all people, as we never truly know what someone is struggling with.

I am hopeful that this blog makes a difference, an impact, on just one person, just one family.

I am hopeful that by starting a dialogue about all the hard things, we can come together and comfort each other.

I am hopeful that I am following the path the way God intended for me.

I am hopeful that I am making Nikolai proud.

Writing is my therapy

I like words

I like words. Words have meaning to me. I’ve always been that person who can write out what I want to say better than I can speak it.

I keep a grateful journal, a blog journal and a journal of just my thoughts.

Words are my therapy. It’s the way I extract all those good and ugly things from my head.

And I love meaningful quotes, like this one from William Wordsworth, “fill your paper with the breathings of your heart.”

People say very powerful things and if you sit still long enough to listen or read them you will find they bring you motivation, inspiration, the drive to dream, the will to survive, a sense of purpose, determination and so much more.

I wear words as well. I have several bracelets that I wear every single day to remind me of the important things in life.

“We rise by lifting others.” – Be kind to people. It’s really that simple. Lift people up every single day. Give a random stranger a compliment. Open the door for someone. Say hi and smile. These aren’t big things, but to the person on the receiving end they could be HUGE things.

“Be the good.” – Be the change or be the good you want to see in this world. I try to live what I preach. You may never know the impact you make on a person, but by gosh make it a good one.

“One day at a time.” – My friend Jamie gave me this bracelet this week as a reminder that each day is different and that’s okay. Each day I may experience joy and sadness and that’s okay. That right now, taking one day at a time is okay.

“Joy.” – Have you ever chosen a word of the year? A word that you want to live your year by? I have done this the last several years and this year, I chose joy. I’ve been wearing this bracelet since the beginning of the year, not knowing that my immediate future was going to be filled with days of such immense pain and heartache that joy would be the farthest thing from my mind. Here’s the thing… I truly believe that God put the word joy in my heart at the beginning of the year for this very reason. Because even in this period of extreme heartache, there is joy to be found in each day, in each memory. Not a day goes by that I don’t have a dozen memories go through my mind and heart of Nikolai that make me laugh or smile. He was a funny guy and he did and said funny stuff. I also experience joy when my other two boys come home from their days at school and work and share all the things. Joy is my husband bringing me coffee in the morning. Joy is a hug from a friend. Joy surrounds me all the time and makes those darker times a little more bearable.

Have faith

Ah, FaceBook memories

Ah, FaceBook memories. One of my most favorite features of FaceBook. Especially now when memories are so important.

One of them that popped up on my feed this morning was this little gem from when Reilly was four years old:

“Tonight at church…
Reilly: What did God say – I can’t hear him?
Me: That’s not God honey, that’s the Priest. He speaks for God.
Reilly: Where is God?
Me: We can’t see him – we just have to believe that he is with us always.
Reilly: I can see him you know. He’s right here.”

This conversation ten years ago made me realize that our children know and see way more than us adults. They haven’t had all these life experiences to jade them yet or to make them question all the things.

I needed to read this today. And, I believe God knew it. He knew that this week, while amazing in its own right, has also been emotionally exhausting for me. He needed to let me know that He is right there next to me, helping me to be strong and help others. This is the path He has chosen for me, so why would I think He wouldn’t help carry me through it?

I need to lean more on God. This is my takeaway today.

Have faith

Ah, FaceBook memories

Ah, FaceBook memories. One of my most favorite features of FaceBook. Especially now when memories are so important.

One of them that popped up on my feed this morning was this little gem from when Reilly was four years old:

I need to lean more on God. This is my takeaway today.

I’m so sorry

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you Nikolai

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you Nikolai. I wish with all my being that I could go back and have a do-over. There are so many things I would have done differently with you. Signs I missed. Conversations we should have had.

I realize now that your pain ran deep, down to your inner core and I missed that. I know that now. It’s too late for you, but I’m hoping it’s not too late for me to make a difference in someone else’s life.

Is this God’s plan for me? I don’t really know. I keep asking why? Why you, why my family? You were only 15, barely 15.

Over the last few years I have tried to figure out what my purpose is – what bigger thing in life am I supposed to do? What is God calling me to do? Never in a million years would I have thought that the death of my child would be the catalyst to that purpose.

People keep telling me I can and am making a difference. Some call it advocacy. I call it pouring all of my raw emotions into something that has broken my heart. I hate change. Everyone who knows me knows that I like things the way they are and do not view change as my friend. But all I want to do right now is make changes, lots of them. Because the stigma of suicide, mental health and let’s face it, even grieving, are things people just don’t talk about. And, for the love of all that is holy – why?

These things are real. Mental health is an actual real thing and if we don’t make some changes, if we don’t start having some real conversations providing resources and help for people, then that other thing we don’t want to talk about (suicide), that becomes a bigger more real issue. People need to feel supported. They need to feel listened to. People need kindness not judgement. Why is this so difficult for humans to understand and do?

And grief.
“It’s time to move on.” “You need to move through this.” “Why is she not over this yet?”

What on actual earth? Seriously – these are things people say ALL.THE.TIME.

Stop it.

All people grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And there sure as heck isn’t a timestamp on that grief.

I wish I could have saved you Nikolai. My heart is broken and will never be whole again. But I will do my best to try and save others and make you proud.

I have a case of the Mondays

It’s Monday

It’s Monday.
Mondays aren’t usually a lot of fun for anyone. You go from having a weekend of time spent with family and friends doing fun things or doing nothing at all, to I have to get up early and go to work. I would say most of us enjoy our jobs, but most of us don’t have a job that is life fulfilling each and every day. It’s mostly satisfactory with some highs and lows mixed in.

Imagine a Monday after losing a child. It is expected that you mourn the loss, go through the routine of a visitation, funeral and guests dropping in and out of your home and then Monday hits. And, the expectation is that you go back to work, like nothing ever happened. Most companies, mine included, give you five bereavement days for the death of a child. Five. How in the actual world is that even a thing? October 20 will be four months since Nikolai died and every minute of my day is different and unknown to me emotionally.

Monday is like that bad dream, where you open a door and fall down a black hole. Monday is routine. Monday represents the start of a new week and getting back to the grind. Monday is supposed to be the first day back to normalcy after the weekend.
But maybe I don’t want this new normal. Maybe I want Mondays to be how they used to be, where I woke up and just didn’t want to go to work because nobody wants to go back to work on Monday. Because it’s a Monday.

Mondays for me are the beginning of a new normal, over and over and over again. I reject you Monday and your new normal.

This is where my mantra of “just get out of bed” really comes from. It is painful for me to get out of bed on Mondays. Guaranteed I’m going to be late every single Monday. I cannot get out of bed. I lay there in a pool of stress and anxiety willing myself to move. I want to curl up in a ball and pretend for a few minutes that this is not my new normal.

The drive in this morning had me nauseous and nearly hyperventilating. But no two Mondays are ever the same. And, by Tuesday I will be fine. In the sense that it isn’t Monday anymore “fine.”

The need to stay busy

Downtime is sometimes too quiet for my mind

Truth.
So much truth here.
Downtime is sometimes too quiet for my mind. It makes me think all the things and I fight it so hard. If I’m busy there isn’t time to think.

This morning I got up, went to CrossFit and kicked my own ass. Super pumped and full of all those happy endorphins. But on the drive home I spontaneously combusted into tears.

This is my life. I try to ignore all the feelings but my body gives me the big 🖕 and makes it happen anyway.

It’s random and crazy and this is why no minute of my life is the same mood. It is what it is for now. Things are just different. I am just different. 💙