Author: Kris

The demons are strong

The demons are strong today

The demons are strong today. Eight miles of trying to outrun them…crying, screaming inside my own head, my heart breaking with every step.

It’s one thing to lose a child, but when your child chooses death as their path, the pain reaches a whole other level.

I try hard not to go down the path of I didn’t do enough, but sometimes….

Today is the first day of National Suicide Prevention Week. Make a point to have some real conversations with your kids this week. Every week. Hug them endlessly and remind them how loved they are.

I desperately hope Nikolai knows how loved he was💙

First day of school

Today was hard

Today was hard. Today Reilly and Nikolai should have boarded the bus to high school together. Today Beans would have told Reilly he’d show him the ropes and Reilly would tell him he’s got it covered – lol! Today I had one less “normal” back-to-school picture.

Milestones like back-to-school can feel like a swift punch in the gut. I cried tears today for the child who should have been a sophomore today – not wanting to go to school, but still full of first day hope like he always was.

I’m happy and so excited for Reilly! I loved hearing about his entire day – his classes, teachers, who he ate lunch with and all that cool stuff. He is an amazing kid who is going to do amazing things. But I can also ache for the one not here. I’m trying my best to honor what is and allow myself to grieve what isn’t.

I read something recently, “I stand with one foot in the life I have, and one foot in the life I had. I straddle time and space. It’s hard to live like that. I’m a grieving mom and (by all appearances,) a “normal” mom, all at the same time. It can be really complicated and messy and that’s ok.”

This is grief. This is love. This is parenting after loss. 💙

Learning to find peace

In a world full of doing, doing, doing

In a world full of doing, doing, doing, it’s important to take a moment and just breathe. Or so people tell me. Sometimes relaxing and taking a minute brings me pain and heartache so deep I can barely breathe. In those moments of unbusy, I find myself thinking all the thoughts, the what-if’s and overwhelming sadness takes over. But not always. More times than not I now find myself laughing to myself or smiling thinking of some ridiculous thing Nikolai would do or how much he would find joy in something. Those are the moments I need to grab onto and embrace. Sadness is a part of me now, but by focusing on the beauty in the moment I am learning to find peace. It is good for my soul🦋

Our pets grieve too

Shout out to this beautiful girl

Shout out to this beautiful girl💕 I think we as humans forget that our pets grieve too. Ivy lost her best pal, Mollie, last June and this June she lost one of her favorite humans. For two weeks after Beans left us, this girl sat in this spot on the deck. I think partially to protect her family, but mostly looking for the one who took her for a walk almost every single day. When she wasn’t at this post, she was snuggled up next to one of us, keeping us close, reminding us that she too, is very sad. ❤️🐾 

Running is good for the soul

Beans ran cross country at Hess Hathaway

Beans ran cross country at Hess for two years. The last time I ran it was with him this past winter. It was a gorgeous day…slight chill but no wind, sun was shining and fresh snow had fallen. We ran 2.5 miles and laughed a lot because we kept slipping. I missed him this morning but I’m pretty sure he ran with me the whole way🦋💙

I am emotionally exhausted

Today we picked out Kola’s grave marker

Today we picked out Kola’s grave marker. It was an emotionally exhausting experience. By the time we got to the what to put on it part, I couldn’t think anymore and I just wanted out of that place.

This is my day to day. I’m fine one minute and the next I literally want to break down into screams of enough is enough. I am tired. So tired.

I recognize that we have moved to an emotional place where it is often very difficult to reach us. Our attempts to be normal are painful, and the day to day carries a silent, screaming anguish that accompanies us, sometimes from moment to moment. Were we to give it its own voice, we fear we would become truly unreachable and so we remain “strong” for a host of reasons even as the strength saps our energy and drains our will. Were we to act out our true feelings, we would be impossible to be with.

Today, I have been impossible to be with. Thank God Joe is the only one that has had to be with me today❤️

25th wedding anniversary

Its hard being strong every single day

These last four days have been amazing for Joe and I. It’s hard being strong every single day for your two remaining children. It’s hard to keep it together in front of friends and coworkers. Together though, just the two of us, we could let our guard down and be real. We could cry and that’s okay. We could laugh, and that was okay too. We remembered times we brought the boys here and the memories we created. The fun we had as a family. A family of five. Things are just different now. But our family of four has a million more memories to make and a ton of fun to be had. We lit a candle at St. Anne’s for Nikolai this weekend…in celebration of all those things and in the memory of one heck of an amazing kid. 💙