Ah, FaceBook memories. One of my most favorite features of
FaceBook. Especially now when memories are so important.
One of them that popped up on my feed this morning was this
little gem from when Reilly was four years old:
“Tonight at church…
Reilly: What did God say – I can’t hear him?
Me: That’s not God honey, that’s the Priest. He speaks for God.
Reilly: Where is God?
Me: We can’t see him – we just have to believe that he is with us always.
Reilly: I can see him you know. He’s right here.”
This conversation ten years ago made me realize that our
children know and see way more than us adults. They haven’t had all these life
experiences to jade them yet or to make them question all the things.
I needed to read this today. And, I believe God knew it. He knew that this week, while amazing in its own right, has also been emotionally exhausting for me. He needed to let me know that He is right there next to me, helping me to be strong and help others. This is the path He has chosen for me, so why would I think He wouldn’t help carry me through it?
I need to lean more on God. This is my takeaway today.
I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you
Nikolai. I wish with all my being that I could go back and have a do-over.
There are so many things I would have done differently with you. Signs I
missed. Conversations we should have had.
I realize now that your pain ran
deep, down to your inner core and I missed that. I know that now. It’s too late
for you, but I’m hoping it’s not too late for me to make a difference in
someone else’s life.
Is this God’s plan for me? I don’t
really know. I keep asking why? Why
you, why my family? You were only 15, barely 15.
Over the last few years I have tried
to figure out what my purpose is – what bigger thing in life am I supposed to
do? What is God calling me to do? Never in a million years would I have thought
that the death of my child would be the catalyst to that purpose.
People keep telling me I can and am
making a difference. Some call it advocacy. I call it pouring all of my raw
emotions into something that has broken my heart. I hate change. Everyone who
knows me knows that I like things the way they are and do not view change as my
friend. But all I want to do right now is make changes, lots of them. Because
the stigma of suicide, mental health and let’s face it, even grieving, are
things people just don’t talk about. And, for the love of all that is holy –
why?
These things are real. Mental health
is an actual real thing and if we don’t make some changes, if we don’t start
having some real conversations providing resources and help for people, then
that other thing we don’t want to talk about (suicide), that becomes a bigger
more real issue. People need to feel supported. They need to feel listened to.
People need kindness not judgement. Why is this so difficult for humans to
understand and do?
And grief. “It’s time to move on.” “You need to move through this.” “Why is she not over this yet?”
What on actual earth? Seriously –
these are things people say ALL.THE.TIME.
Stop it.
All people grieve differently. There
is no right or wrong way to grieve. And there sure as heck isn’t a timestamp on
that grief.
I wish I could have saved you
Nikolai. My heart is broken and will never be whole again. But I will do my
best to try and save others and make you proud.
It’s Monday. Mondays aren’t usually a lot of fun for anyone. You go from having a weekend of time spent with family and friends doing fun things or doing nothing at all, to I have to get up early and go to work. I would say most of us enjoy our jobs, but most of us don’t have a job that is life fulfilling each and every day. It’s mostly satisfactory with some highs and lows mixed in.
Imagine a Monday after losing a
child. It is expected that you mourn the loss, go through the routine of a visitation, funeral and guests dropping
in and out of your home and then Monday hits. And, the expectation is that you
go back to work, like nothing ever happened. Most companies, mine included,
give you five bereavement days for the death of a child. Five. How in the
actual world is that even a thing? October 20 will be four months since Nikolai
died and every minute of my day is different and unknown to me emotionally.
Monday is like that bad dream, where you open a door and fall down a black hole. Monday is routine. Monday represents the start of a new week and getting back to the grind. Monday is supposed to be the first day back to normalcy after the weekend. But maybe I don’t want this new normal. Maybe I want Mondays to be how they used to be, where I woke up and just didn’t want to go to work because nobody wants to go back to work on Monday. Because it’s a Monday.
Mondays for me are the beginning of a new normal, over and over and over again. I reject you Monday and your new normal.
This is where my mantra of “just get out of bed” really comes from. It is painful for me to get out of bed on Mondays. Guaranteed I’m going to be late every single Monday. I cannot get out of bed. I lay there in a pool of stress and anxiety willing myself to move. I want to curl up in a ball and pretend for a few minutes that this is not my new normal.
The drive in this morning had me
nauseous and nearly hyperventilating. But no two Mondays are ever the same.
And, by Tuesday I will be fine. In the sense that it isn’t Monday anymore
“fine.”
Truth.
So much truth here.
Downtime is sometimes too quiet for my mind. It makes me think all the things
and I fight it so hard. If I’m busy there isn’t time to think.
This morning I got up, went to CrossFit and kicked my own ass.
Super pumped and full of all those happy endorphins. But on the drive home I
spontaneously combusted into tears.
This is my life. I try to ignore all the feelings but my body
gives me the big 🖕 and makes it happen anyway.
It’s random and crazy and this is why no minute of my life is
the same mood. It is what it is for now. Things are just different. I am just
different. 💙
Apparently yesterday was National Son’s Day💙 I have been blessed with three of the most amazing young men that I get to call my boys. Each one of them so different and extraordinary in their own way. And how appropriate that yesterday we walked in memory of one of my sons💙 I am so incredibly proud of Daley and Reilly for embracing the day for Beans’. They had an amazing time, surrounded by so many people that love them. Nikolai is proud and he loves you both so much, as we all do❤️ Happy son’s day you crazy three, I could not love you more😊
My heart feels like it’s going to explode from so much love today
My
heart feels like it’s going to explode from so much love today❤️ Beans’
Brigade raised over $4,000 for the AFSP and suicide prevention. We were the 8th
largest fundraising team with definitely the most walkers😊
You
people are our tribe and we love all of you so much. Thank you for all the
support. I only shed a few tears today and honestly, they were mostly
joy-filled💙
Deb and Jay, you
outdid yourselves with our specially designed shirts. I can’t thank you enough😘
A huge thank you to all of you who donated money to our team.
You ARE making a difference❤️
Definitely one of our family’s best days since June 20😊
Therapy. I’ve been asked more times than I can count if I have
started therapy. No. No I have not. Do I need it? Yes.
Here’s the thing though – all those emotions surrounding the
what-if scenarios I play in my head every single day – therapy will bring those
out. Good, that’s what it’s supposed to do. It helps you work through that. I
get it. Really, I do. But right now, keeping those what-if scenarios locked up
in my head and not speaking them out loud is one of the things I do to keep my sanity. What will
happen if I let that shit out of the locked compartment in my head? I fear it
will destroy me. And maybe it will at first and then get better. Sort of like
when you cut your finger and you put a band aid on it. It hurts super bad at
first and then eventually it heals. I’m sure this is how therapy works too.
But right now, getting out of bed and being a functioning person is more important than talking to someone about my feelings and turning into the pile of hot mess mush I feel I will turn into.
Trust me. I hear you. I really do. And eventually I will have to face some of my demons in order to really begin some form of healing. But for now, it is what it is.
What an amazing, joy filled morning💕 I haven’t
run competitively since Beans died. My runs are for me and me alone.
But as I left the gate and started on my journey I was overcome
by a sense of peace and I literally enjoyed every single step. I took it all
in. Bagpiper at mile 1, guitar players at mile 2, random people out fist
bumping me on the sidelines, the lady with the sign that read “tap this for
turbo boost” (which I totally tapped) and so many others. I enjoyed every step. I pushed through every hill. And I PR’d my
6.2 mile time finishing in 65:33🙌
And waiting to high-five me coming into the Finish line was my dear friend Tracy 💕 She overcame her own doubts today and finished her race strong and I’m so proud of her.
And the love of my life waiting in the wings for me. Damnit I love how much you support me Joe 😘 You are my rock❤️ I am fierce. I am strong. And one day at a time, with the help of my tribe, Joy-filled moments like these will begin to outweigh some of the heartache😊💙
People ask me everyday how I’m doing. But when I actually tell
them how I’m doing I can tell they wished they hadn’t asked. So now I’m really
awesome at “good, how are you.” Playing pretend or hide-and-seek with my real
feelings though is exhausting and frustrating and sad.
I
pretend for you because I know you don’t really want to know anymore. But
inside I am screaming…screams of anger, screams of deep sorrow. And it’s not
just you. I sometimes feel guilty for over sharing. You know, like this FB post😒 I know you are tired of all
the feels. I know I am. It sucks.
Just know that I’m just as tired
of feeling heartbroken as you are about hearing about it. And I’m tired of
playing the two sides of good and awful in my head. I don’t have answers for
you or for me. I experience joy almost every single day. I also experience
sadness every single day, and anger, and loneliness and a myriad of other
emotions. It’s like a dang split personality going on in this head of mine.
I have no idea what the intent of this post really is other than
it’s been almost three months but still feels like yesterday sometimes💙
The demons are strong today. Eight miles of trying to outrun
them…crying, screaming inside my own head, my heart breaking with every step.
It’s one thing to lose a child, but when your child chooses
death as their path, the pain reaches a whole other level.
I try hard not to go down the path of I didn’t do enough, but
sometimes….
Today is the first day of
National Suicide Prevention Week. Make a point to have some real conversations
with your kids this week. Every week. Hug them endlessly and remind them how
loved they are.
I desperately hope Nikolai knows how loved he was💙
