Tag: #onadragonflyswings

Out of Darkness Walk

My heart feels like it’s going to explode from so much love today

My heart feels like it’s going to explode from so much love today❤️ Beans’ Brigade raised over $4,000 for the AFSP and suicide prevention. We were the 8th largest fundraising team with definitely the most walkers😊

You people are our tribe and we love all of you so much. Thank you for all the support. I only shed a few tears today and honestly, they were mostly joy-filled💙

Deb and Jay, you outdid yourselves with our specially designed shirts. I can’t thank you enough😘

A huge thank you to all of you who donated money to our team. You ARE making a difference❤️

Definitely one of our family’s best days since June 20😊

Therapy

Therapy

Therapy. I’ve been asked more times than I can count if I have started therapy. No. No I have not. Do I need it? Yes.

Here’s the thing though – all those emotions surrounding the what-if scenarios I play in my head every single day – therapy will bring those out. Good, that’s what it’s supposed to do. It helps you work through that. I get it. Really, I do. But right now, keeping those what-if scenarios locked up in my head and not speaking them out loud is one of the things I do to keep my sanity. What will happen if I let that shit out of the locked compartment in my head? I fear it will destroy me. And maybe it will at first and then get better. Sort of like when you cut your finger and you put a band aid on it. It hurts super bad at first and then eventually it heals. I’m sure this is how therapy works too.

But right now, getting out of bed and being a functioning person is more important than talking to someone about my feelings and turning into the pile of hot mess mush I feel I will turn into.

Trust me. I hear you. I really do. And eventually I will have to face some of my demons in order to really begin some form of healing. But for now, it is what it is.

This race was joyful

What an amazing joy-filled morning

What an amazing, joy filled morning💕 I haven’t run competitively since Beans died. My runs are for me and me alone.

But as I left the gate and started on my journey I was overcome by a sense of peace and I literally enjoyed every single step. I took it all in. Bagpiper at mile 1, guitar players at mile 2, random people out fist bumping me on the sidelines, the lady with the sign that read “tap this for turbo boost” (which I totally tapped) and so many others. I enjoyed every step. I pushed through every hill. And I PR’d my 6.2 mile time finishing in 65:33🙌

And waiting to high-five me coming into the Finish line was my dear friend Tracy 💕 She overcame her own doubts today and finished her race strong and I’m so proud of her.

And the love of my life waiting in the wings for me. Damnit I love how much you support me Joe 😘 You are my rock❤️ I am fierce. I am strong. And one day at a time, with the help of my tribe, Joy-filled moments like these will begin to outweigh some of the heartache😊💙

Project #2 – Books

Project #2 for those who are interested

Project #2 for those who are interested.

Our kids are Houghton kids. The principal there gave us the most lovely card at Kola’s funeral. In it she wrote that she was purchasing three books for her social worker to utilize when identifying young students that may be struggling.

I adore this so much. 💙
If we can identify and help kids at onset, maybe, just maybe we can turn things around for them. Because of Ms. Grimes and this gesture of helping others, we have now teamed up with the school district to purchase these same books for all of our elementary school social workers. In addition, Ms. Grimes is also looking into other books to help kids with social and emotional self-care. We are proud to work with her and the school district social workers to assist in getting the additional books needed in the near future.

We are so blessed to have the staff and administrators we do in Waterford. They truly care about our kids and want the very best for them. Thank you for allowing our family to be a part of this😊

No, I’m not really okay

People ask me everyday how I’m doing

People ask me everyday how I’m doing. But when I actually tell them how I’m doing I can tell they wished they hadn’t asked. So now I’m really awesome at “good, how are you.” Playing pretend or hide-and-seek with my real feelings though is exhausting and frustrating and sad.

I pretend for you because I know you don’t really want to know anymore. But inside I am screaming…screams of anger, screams of deep sorrow. And it’s not just you. I sometimes feel guilty for over sharing. You know, like this FB post😒 I know you are tired of all the feels. I know I am. It sucks.

Just know that I’m just as tired of feeling heartbroken as you are about hearing about it. And I’m tired of playing the two sides of good and awful in my head. I don’t have answers for you or for me. I experience joy almost every single day. I also experience sadness every single day, and anger, and loneliness and a myriad of other emotions. It’s like a dang split personality going on in this head of mine.

I have no idea what the intent of this post really is other than it’s been almost three months but still feels like yesterday sometimes💙

Suicide Prevention Training

Many of you have expressed an interest in my projects

Many of you have expressed an interest in my projects. Here is one of them. I partnered with the Waterford Coalition for Youth to bring much needed suicide prevention training to our local communities. The need is so great. Maybe, just maybe, if more of us knew what to look for and what to say or do for those that are hurting, we could make a difference.

Space is extremely limited so if you are thinking you would like to participate in the training, please register early.

I would like to give a special shout out to my very dear friend Heather Halls. Without her, this training may have been much more difficult to put in place. She has worked hard to put this together and I absolutely cannot thank her enough. You are an amazing friend – thank you so much for helping me make this event come to fruition. I love you💙

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day

Suicide ranks among the highest causes of mortality in Oakland County

Did you know that suicide ranks among the highest causes of mortality in Oakland County? And did you also know that suicide is the second leading cause of death for those ages 10 to 34? It’s okay to ask for help💙

The demons are strong

The demons are strong today

The demons are strong today. Eight miles of trying to outrun them…crying, screaming inside my own head, my heart breaking with every step.

It’s one thing to lose a child, but when your child chooses death as their path, the pain reaches a whole other level.

I try hard not to go down the path of I didn’t do enough, but sometimes….

Today is the first day of National Suicide Prevention Week. Make a point to have some real conversations with your kids this week. Every week. Hug them endlessly and remind them how loved they are.

I desperately hope Nikolai knows how loved he was💙

First day of school

Today was hard

Today was hard. Today Reilly and Nikolai should have boarded the bus to high school together. Today Beans would have told Reilly he’d show him the ropes and Reilly would tell him he’s got it covered – lol! Today I had one less “normal” back-to-school picture.

Milestones like back-to-school can feel like a swift punch in the gut. I cried tears today for the child who should have been a sophomore today – not wanting to go to school, but still full of first day hope like he always was.

I’m happy and so excited for Reilly! I loved hearing about his entire day – his classes, teachers, who he ate lunch with and all that cool stuff. He is an amazing kid who is going to do amazing things. But I can also ache for the one not here. I’m trying my best to honor what is and allow myself to grieve what isn’t.

I read something recently, “I stand with one foot in the life I have, and one foot in the life I had. I straddle time and space. It’s hard to live like that. I’m a grieving mom and (by all appearances,) a “normal” mom, all at the same time. It can be really complicated and messy and that’s ok.”

This is grief. This is love. This is parenting after loss. 💙