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I’m so sorry

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you Nikolai

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you Nikolai. I wish with all my being that I could go back and have a do-over. There are so many things I would have done differently with you. Signs I missed. Conversations we should have had. 

I realize now that your pain ran deep, down to your inner core and I missed that. I know that now. It’s too late for you, but I’m hoping it’s not too late for me to make a difference in someone else’s life. 

Is this God’s plan for me? I don’t really know. I keep asking why? Why you, why my family? You were only 15, barely 15. 

Over the last few years I have tried to figure out what my purpose is – what bigger thing in life am I supposed to do? What is God calling me to do? Never in a million years would I have thought that the death of my child would be the catalyst to that purpose. 

People keep telling me I can and am making a difference. Some call it advocacy. I call it pouring all of my raw emotions into something that has broken my heart. I hate change. Everyone who knows me knows that I like things the way they are and do not view change as my friend. But all I want to do right now is make changes, lots of them. Because the stigma of suicide, mental health and let’s face it, even grieving, are things people just don’t talk about. And, for the love of all that is holy – why? 

These things are real. Mental health is an actual real thing and if we don’t make some changes, if we don’t start having some real conversations providing resources and help for people, then that other thing we don’t want to talk about (suicide), that becomes a bigger more real issue. People need to feel supported. They need to feel listened to. People need kindness not judgement. Why is this so difficult for humans to understand and do? 

And grief. 
“It’s time to move on.” “You need to move through this.” “Why is she not over this yet?” 

What on actual earth? Seriously – these are things people say ALL.THE.TIME. 

Stop it. 

All people grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And there sure as heck isn’t a timestamp on that grief. 

I wish I could have saved you Nikolai. My heart is broken and will never be whole again. But I will do my best to try and save others and make you proud. 

I have a case of the Mondays

It’s Monday

It’s Monday.
Mondays aren’t usually a lot of fun for anyone. You go from having a weekend of time spent with family and friends doing fun things or doing nothing at all, to I have to get up early and go to work. I would say most of us enjoy our jobs, but most of us don’t have a job that is life fulfilling each and every day. It’s mostly satisfactory with some highs and lows mixed in.

Imagine a Monday after losing a child. It is expected that you mourn the loss, go through the routine of a visitation, funeral and guests dropping in and out of your home and then Monday hits. And, the expectation is that you go back to work, like nothing ever happened. Most companies, mine included, give you five bereavement days for the death of a child. Five. How in the actual world is that even a thing? October 20 will be four months since Nikolai died and every minute of my day is different and unknown to me emotionally.

Monday is like that bad dream, where you open a door and fall down a black hole. Monday is routine. Monday represents the start of a new week and getting back to the grind. Monday is supposed to be the first day back to normalcy after the weekend.
But maybe I don’t want this new normal. Maybe I want Mondays to be how they used to be, where I woke up and just didn’t want to go to work because nobody wants to go back to work on Monday. Because it’s a Monday.

Mondays for me are the beginning of a new normal, over and over and over again. I reject you Monday and your new normal.

This is where my mantra of “just get out of bed” really comes from. It is painful for me to get out of bed on Mondays. Guaranteed I’m going to be late every single Monday. I cannot get out of bed. I lay there in a pool of stress and anxiety willing myself to move. I want to curl up in a ball and pretend for a few minutes that this is not my new normal.

The drive in this morning had me nauseous and nearly hyperventilating. But no two Mondays are ever the same. And, by Tuesday I will be fine. In the sense that it isn’t Monday anymore “fine.”

The need to stay busy

Downtime is sometimes too quiet for my mind

Truth.
So much truth here.
Downtime is sometimes too quiet for my mind. It makes me think all the things and I fight it so hard. If I’m busy there isn’t time to think.

This morning I got up, went to CrossFit and kicked my own ass. Super pumped and full of all those happy endorphins. But on the drive home I spontaneously combusted into tears.

This is my life. I try to ignore all the feelings but my body gives me the big 🖕 and makes it happen anyway.

It’s random and crazy and this is why no minute of my life is the same mood. It is what it is for now. Things are just different. I am just different. 💙

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day and this year the focus is on suicide prevention.

Did you know that every 40 seconds someone takes their own life? There’s no need to suffer in silence – share how you’re feeling, ask someone how they are doing and LISTEN for the answer. Ask for help when you need it and know that we are all in this together.

If you need help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK (8255) or TEXT 652729: OK2SAY

Kindness

Nikolai liked people

Nikolai liked people. I remember when he was just a toddler and would walk up to any other mom or child in the park or at the library just to say hi. Used to scare me a bit that he would just go to anyone, even strangers. But he didn’t see people as strangers. He was that kid that just wanted to be friends with you. He was kind and loving.

What a different world it might be if we all saw people not as strangers and just reached out to simply say hi💙

Celebrating National Son’s Day

Yesterday was National Son’s Day

Apparently yesterday was National Son’s Day💙 I have been blessed with three of the most amazing young men that I get to call my boys. Each one of them so different and extraordinary in their own way. And how appropriate that yesterday we walked in memory of one of my sons💙 I am so incredibly proud of Daley and Reilly for embracing the day for Beans’. They had an amazing time, surrounded by so many people that love them. Nikolai is proud and he loves you both so much, as we all do❤️ Happy son’s day you crazy three, I could not love you more😊

Out of Darkness Walk

My heart feels like it’s going to explode from so much love today

My heart feels like it’s going to explode from so much love today❤️ Beans’ Brigade raised over $4,000 for the AFSP and suicide prevention. We were the 8th largest fundraising team with definitely the most walkers😊

You people are our tribe and we love all of you so much. Thank you for all the support. I only shed a few tears today and honestly, they were mostly joy-filled💙

Deb and Jay, you outdid yourselves with our specially designed shirts. I can’t thank you enough😘

A huge thank you to all of you who donated money to our team. You ARE making a difference❤️

Definitely one of our family’s best days since June 20😊

Therapy

Therapy

Therapy. I’ve been asked more times than I can count if I have started therapy. No. No I have not. Do I need it? Yes.

Here’s the thing though – all those emotions surrounding the what-if scenarios I play in my head every single day – therapy will bring those out. Good, that’s what it’s supposed to do. It helps you work through that. I get it. Really, I do. But right now, keeping those what-if scenarios locked up in my head and not speaking them out loud is one of the things I do to keep my sanity. What will happen if I let that shit out of the locked compartment in my head? I fear it will destroy me. And maybe it will at first and then get better. Sort of like when you cut your finger and you put a band aid on it. It hurts super bad at first and then eventually it heals. I’m sure this is how therapy works too.

But right now, getting out of bed and being a functioning person is more important than talking to someone about my feelings and turning into the pile of hot mess mush I feel I will turn into.

Trust me. I hear you. I really do. And eventually I will have to face some of my demons in order to really begin some form of healing. But for now, it is what it is.

This race was joyful

What an amazing joy-filled morning

What an amazing, joy filled morning💕 I haven’t run competitively since Beans died. My runs are for me and me alone.

But as I left the gate and started on my journey I was overcome by a sense of peace and I literally enjoyed every single step. I took it all in. Bagpiper at mile 1, guitar players at mile 2, random people out fist bumping me on the sidelines, the lady with the sign that read “tap this for turbo boost” (which I totally tapped) and so many others. I enjoyed every step. I pushed through every hill. And I PR’d my 6.2 mile time finishing in 65:33🙌

And waiting to high-five me coming into the Finish line was my dear friend Tracy 💕 She overcame her own doubts today and finished her race strong and I’m so proud of her.

And the love of my life waiting in the wings for me. Damnit I love how much you support me Joe 😘 You are my rock❤️ I am fierce. I am strong. And one day at a time, with the help of my tribe, Joy-filled moments like these will begin to outweigh some of the heartache😊💙

Project #2 – Books

Project #2 for those who are interested

Project #2 for those who are interested.

Our kids are Houghton kids. The principal there gave us the most lovely card at Kola’s funeral. In it she wrote that she was purchasing three books for her social worker to utilize when identifying young students that may be struggling.

I adore this so much. 💙
If we can identify and help kids at onset, maybe, just maybe we can turn things around for them. Because of Ms. Grimes and this gesture of helping others, we have now teamed up with the school district to purchase these same books for all of our elementary school social workers. In addition, Ms. Grimes is also looking into other books to help kids with social and emotional self-care. We are proud to work with her and the school district social workers to assist in getting the additional books needed in the near future.

We are so blessed to have the staff and administrators we do in Waterford. They truly care about our kids and want the very best for them. Thank you for allowing our family to be a part of this😊