Maybe we start by being present

Be present

I have sat through three suicide prevention trainings now and each time I take away a little bit more. While these trainings are amazing to teach us the skills to have a real conversation with those we think are struggling, for a parent who has lost a child to suicide it has become the laundry list of all the things I didn’t do right.

These demons have been with me since the night of June 20 but to hear them spoken out loud is hard. The guilt is so heavy. I’m working on not beating myself up with all the woulda, coulda, shoulda’s but it’s a real thing.

There were so many signs along Nikolai’s journey and I dismissed many of them to just being a moody teenager. Dropping out of sports, purposely failing school, disrespecting his family and his teachers, and becoming withdrawn. This was him literally crying out for help.

This is what it looks like parents. It can also look like a million other things too. We communicate with our kids but we aren’t really present with them. We have allowed being busy to take center stage of our lives and we have stopped giving importance to the real things. It’s become more about running our kids to sports practice, homework, who is spending the night at who’s house, video games, cell phones (theirs and our own), trying to fit in dinner, late nights, last minute projects, and the list goes on.

We sought the help of teachers, counselors, and a therapist. None of it was enough. His pain ran so deep that literally he thought his only way out was to take his own life. But maybe, just maybe if I had hugged him more, sat down and really listened to him, not been so busy. When all is said and done, I will never really know. But what I wouldn’t give for another chance to do it all again knowing what I know now. That is why I believe with absolutely every piece of me that God has set my compass to helping others see the pain in others and reach out.

Therapy is definitely helping me cope with the guilt. I don’t think that will ever go away; however, recognizing that reliving every wrong step with Nikolai is not serving me is what I have to say to move forward.

Since Nikolai died by suicide on June 20, there have been three more teens in northern Oakland County that have taken their lives. We have to figure this out. Maybe we start with just being present with our kids.  

We are conquering the world, one minute at a time.

Today I had an exceptional day

Today I had an exceptional day.  I had coffee with two amazing women who are helping me fight the good fight, building awareness for mental health and suicide. We are doing exceptional things and pushing things to a new level of advocacy and I am so excited about all of it. Today, I feel like I am conquering the world in your honor.

Nikolai, I want you to know that I am finding more of my days to be like this. And what makes it better is knowing that this is what I am supposed to do – this is God’s calling for me. These women were put in my life at the exact time that I needed them. At the exact time WE needed them. To help us get the hard work done. The important work.

I do all of this in your honor and to impact the lives of people I may never know.

Some days though the heartache of losing you hurts so deeply. And some days I feel as if I’m not doing near enough, fast enough. I get tired and sad. Some days I have to take a step back and quiet myself.

Many days I experience both in the same day, like last Thursday. We educated so many, yet it was so very, very hard. This morning was fantastic. Tonight is very reflective. I suspect this is how it will go for a bit.

But we have a humongous tribe of people advocating for us and with us and the impact we are and will make I pray is enough to bring great change. I take heart in knowing we are making a difference.

I love you Nikolai. I miss you.

I am hopeful

I am hopeful

I recently read an article that asked readers, “if you could share one word that describes your grief journey today, what would it be?” Many posted words like scared, broken, foggy, lost, fragile and lonely. And, not that I don’t feel any of those words, but none of them seemed to fit an overall description of how I feel on this journey. Until today.

Hopeful. My word to describe my grief journey is hopeful.

This may seem like an inappropriate or strange word to describe my grief; however, for my journey it seems a perfect fit.

I am hopeful that Nikolai has found his “happy” again – that he is running around in Heaven meeting and hugging all the people. I am hopeful that he has finally met his grandma and grandpa Miller who he never knew. I am hopeful that he has been reunited with my grams and gramps, who loved him and his energy so very much. I am hopeful that one day my heart will not feel so completely broken and that I can get through a whole day without breaking down. I am hopeful that someday I will see him again as we both enjoy the beauty of Heaven.

But there is more to be hopeful for…
I am hopeful that we, as a society, can begin to view mental health as something as real as physical health.

I am hopeful that we can educate and train all humans to see the signs and symptoms of friends in need, friends that are struggling, and pray that we will reach out.

I am hopeful that we will start to have real conversations surrounding mental health and suicide.

I am hopeful that the suicide rate will go down.

I am hopeful that the stigma surrounding suicide will decrease and our empathy and awareness will increase.

I am hopeful that we can begin to treat everyone with more kindness than judgement and hate.

I am hopeful that we will be gentle around all people, as we never truly know what someone is struggling with.

I am hopeful that this blog makes a difference, an impact, on just one person, just one family.

I am hopeful that by starting a dialogue about all the hard things, we can come together and comfort each other.

I am hopeful that I am following the path the way God intended for me.

I am hopeful that I am making Nikolai proud.

I’m so sorry

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you Nikolai

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you Nikolai. I wish with all my being that I could go back and have a do-over. There are so many things I would have done differently with you. Signs I missed. Conversations we should have had. 

I realize now that your pain ran deep, down to your inner core and I missed that. I know that now. It’s too late for you, but I’m hoping it’s not too late for me to make a difference in someone else’s life. 

Is this God’s plan for me? I don’t really know. I keep asking why? Why you, why my family? You were only 15, barely 15. 

Over the last few years I have tried to figure out what my purpose is – what bigger thing in life am I supposed to do? What is God calling me to do? Never in a million years would I have thought that the death of my child would be the catalyst to that purpose. 

People keep telling me I can and am making a difference. Some call it advocacy. I call it pouring all of my raw emotions into something that has broken my heart. I hate change. Everyone who knows me knows that I like things the way they are and do not view change as my friend. But all I want to do right now is make changes, lots of them. Because the stigma of suicide, mental health and let’s face it, even grieving, are things people just don’t talk about. And, for the love of all that is holy – why? 

These things are real. Mental health is an actual real thing and if we don’t make some changes, if we don’t start having some real conversations providing resources and help for people, then that other thing we don’t want to talk about (suicide), that becomes a bigger more real issue. People need to feel supported. They need to feel listened to. People need kindness not judgement. Why is this so difficult for humans to understand and do? 

And grief. 
“It’s time to move on.” “You need to move through this.” “Why is she not over this yet?” 

What on actual earth? Seriously – these are things people say ALL.THE.TIME. 

Stop it. 

All people grieve differently. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. And there sure as heck isn’t a timestamp on that grief. 

I wish I could have saved you Nikolai. My heart is broken and will never be whole again. But I will do my best to try and save others and make you proud. 

World Mental Health Day

Today is World Mental health Day

Today is World Mental Health Day and this year the focus is on suicide prevention.

Did you know that every 40 seconds someone takes their own life? There’s no need to suffer in silence – share how you’re feeling, ask someone how they are doing and LISTEN for the answer. Ask for help when you need it and know that we are all in this together.

If you need help, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-TALK (8255) or TEXT 652729: OK2SAY

Out of Darkness Walk

My heart feels like it’s going to explode from so much love today

My heart feels like it’s going to explode from so much love today❤️ Beans’ Brigade raised over $4,000 for the AFSP and suicide prevention. We were the 8th largest fundraising team with definitely the most walkers😊

You people are our tribe and we love all of you so much. Thank you for all the support. I only shed a few tears today and honestly, they were mostly joy-filled💙

Deb and Jay, you outdid yourselves with our specially designed shirts. I can’t thank you enough😘

A huge thank you to all of you who donated money to our team. You ARE making a difference❤️

Definitely one of our family’s best days since June 20😊

Project #2 – Books

Project #2 for those who are interested

Project #2 for those who are interested.

Our kids are Houghton kids. The principal there gave us the most lovely card at Kola’s funeral. In it she wrote that she was purchasing three books for her social worker to utilize when identifying young students that may be struggling.

I adore this so much. 💙
If we can identify and help kids at onset, maybe, just maybe we can turn things around for them. Because of Ms. Grimes and this gesture of helping others, we have now teamed up with the school district to purchase these same books for all of our elementary school social workers. In addition, Ms. Grimes is also looking into other books to help kids with social and emotional self-care. We are proud to work with her and the school district social workers to assist in getting the additional books needed in the near future.

We are so blessed to have the staff and administrators we do in Waterford. They truly care about our kids and want the very best for them. Thank you for allowing our family to be a part of this😊

Suicide Prevention Training

Many of you have expressed an interest in my projects

Many of you have expressed an interest in my projects. Here is one of them. I partnered with the Waterford Coalition for Youth to bring much needed suicide prevention training to our local communities. The need is so great. Maybe, just maybe, if more of us knew what to look for and what to say or do for those that are hurting, we could make a difference.

Space is extremely limited so if you are thinking you would like to participate in the training, please register early.

I would like to give a special shout out to my very dear friend Heather Halls. Without her, this training may have been much more difficult to put in place. She has worked hard to put this together and I absolutely cannot thank her enough. You are an amazing friend – thank you so much for helping me make this event come to fruition. I love you💙

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day

Suicide ranks among the highest causes of mortality in Oakland County

Did you know that suicide ranks among the highest causes of mortality in Oakland County? And did you also know that suicide is the second leading cause of death for those ages 10 to 34? It’s okay to ask for help💙